Sassy Gay Friend
by sammyalex-in-the-snogbox
Summary: Clara Oswald is about to leave the TARDIS. She is upset after finding out about who River Song is. This could have been avoided if she had a sassy gay friend.


**Sassy Gay Friend**

**Pairing: **11th Doctor/Clara

**Rating: **K+/T

**Word Count: **1,428

**Synopsis: **Clara Oswald is about to leave the TARDIS. She is upset after finding out about who River Song is. This could have been avoided if she had a sassy gay friend.

**Notes:** Hello readers! This is a little something that popped up in my head while talking about Second City with one of my friends. If you haven't watched their "Sassy Gay Friend" series, you should definitely check it out…it is amazing. Sidenote: I know it may seem like I'm bashing River at some points, but I actually love her. She's a great character, and it pained me to do it, but it worked really well in the story. Enjoy!

**Sassy Gay Friend**

Meet Clara Oswald. She just found out about River Song, the Doctor's wife. Clara is packing her things and getting ready to leave the TARDIS forever. This could have been avoided if she had a sassy gay friend.

"What are you doing? What, what, WHAT are you doing?" A strange but good-looking man said jumping into her room.

"Who the hell are you?"

"Captain Jack Harkness, at your service." The man said with a wink extending his arm for her to shake.

"Alright," she said with a hint of confusion, "and how exactly did you get in here?"

"Oh, I'm an old friend of the Doctor's. I knew him in his past two regenerations. He was handsome back then, but he's really cute this time around."

Clara blushed scarlet. "It seems you think so too, don't you Miss Oswald?" Jack said raising his eyebrows.

"Nah, not really. His chin's too big… he'll take someone's eye out sometime with that thing." She said angrily, now throwing clothes into her suitcase.

"Come on, you can't _really_ think that? He's all… chiseled, and angular."

"Yeah? Why don't you go after him then, Jack?"

"Hah, I've tried honey, believe me." She smirked at that.

"There are plenty of chiseled and angular guys waiting for me back at home, on earth." Clara said somewhat sadly.

"Yeah, but none of them are gonna be a gorgeous time lord who can show you all of space and time."

"He has _River_ for that." She spat River's name as if it were fire.

"Oh, I see, there's a jealousy issue here." Jack spat fire right back at her.

"No, there really isn't. Why are you here anyway? Don't you have anything better to do?"

"Not really. Well, yeah, I do, Torchwood probably needs me for something or other, but as a time traveller, I can get back at any time and have it be the right time. Besides, this is more interesting."

"There's nothing interesting about this. The Doctor wants River, not me, so I'm packing my stuff and leaving them."

"Woo hoo hoo, I knew there was a jealousy issue!" Clara was silent. "Honey, you have absolutely no competition."

"It's like you don't know your friend at all." She put down the dress she was holding to face him. "He. Is. Married. And he failed to tell me. I thought he was interested. Tell me, Jack, does the Doctor usually just flirt with every 'companion' he manages to get into his snogbox?"

He pretended to ponder this for a moment before answering. "Yes. He usually doesn't realize he's doing it. That asshole thinks I'm bad. And Miss Clara, you obviously don't know your Doctor the way you thought you did. What's rule number one?"

"Don't wander off?"

"WRONG. Rule number one: the Doctor always lies."

"I think you're the liar here. How do I have no competition? Do remember he's married."

"Yeah, yeah, married-shmarried. River's a stone cold fox, but sweetheart, have you SEEN you?"

"No, Jack. I never look in the mirror. Ever. Of course I see me. I'm a plain London nanny."

"You may be a London nanny, but you definitely aren't plain." She smiled slightly and blushed again.

"I'm sorry Jack, you're really sweet, but nothing you say is gonna stop me from leaving."

He sighed heavily. "Alright, dear god he's gonna hate me for this, but River's dead."

"WHAT?" Clara yelled.

"They always meet in the wrong order. It's hard to coordinate with two time travellers. They got married to save the universe, we don't even know if it was a real marriage. But the first time he met her was the day she died. It's a fixed point. I doubt they'll ever see each other again."

"That's horrible. I didn't even know."

"He's always been funny when it comes to River. It's clear that she feels strongly about him, but he's never been one to show much emotion in a relationship."

"I still wouldn't feel right going after him."

"NO! Clara you should. The Doctor was in a slump after... never mind. The point is he was terribly depressed until you somehow called the TARDIS. I've never seen him this affectionate around anyone. Honey, you brought something out of him that nobody knew existed."

Clara's heart swelled. Her feelings towards the funny time traveller weren't very clear to her until after their encounter with Skaldak on that submarine. She was falling hard for this man with two hearts and twenty-seven brains. She wanted to spend every waking minute with him. His hugs made her heart soar, and he made her feel like she was important.

"But what about River? Will she come after me with some sort of spacey-weapon if she finds out I made a move on her husband?"

Jack started to laugh. "PUH-LEASE. She's the most unfaithful woman I've ever known. That one's a raging nymphomaniac. She'll sleep with anything that has the parts. Just last week she had a threesome with-"

"Okay, I think I get it. Doesn't the Doctor get upset at the fact that his wife is" ahem "sleeping around?"

"Not really. They meet out of order, and they've only met a small number of times. He knows that River would never stay with him on the TARDIS, even if he begged her to. Besides, she's locked up in Stormcage prison most of the time."

"She's _what_? But, how? Why?"

"She killed the Doctor." Clara shot him a look of pure confusion. "But that's another, long, story for another time." She shook her head in disbelief.

"So, whaddya say I help you unpack?"

"I'm still not sure if I should pursue it."

"Listen, you're a smoking hot little firecracker and the Doctor wants to get his hands on every inch of your bare skin." Her face was the colour of a tomato. "He is constantly staring at your ass, I really don't blame him, by the way those short dresses are doing wonders for your frame, darling. I wholeheartedly approve of your wardrobe"

Clara smirked turning to face her reflection in the mirror turning to admire herself from every angle. She never thought of herself as desirable.

"You need to march that ass into that console room, grab him by the shoulders, and kiss him. Oh, and could you do me a favour and run your fingers through his hair a bit? Then tell me how it feels? I just really want to live vicariously through you right now."

She laughed and swatted him on the shoulder, then brought him in for a big hug.

"Thank you, Jack. I'm really glad we talked."

"I am too. Now go get your Doctor, you stupid bitch, before he decides to land on another stupid plant and whisk you away into danger again."

"Did you just call me a stupid bitch?"

"Psh, I call all my best girls stupid bitches. Own it." She giggled again as she ran in the direction of the console room.

"That is one lucky bitch." Jack said quietly before sending himself back to Torchwood.

* * *

Clara felt more confident after talking to Jack than she had ever felt in her life. She did exactly what he said. She marched up to the Doctor, who was fiddling with bits of the TARDIS, grabbed his arm to turn him around, planted her hands on his shoulders to give herself leverage, and crashed her lips with his.

The Doctor was pleasantly surprised with Clara's forwardness. A little shocked at first, but he quickly responded, happy that this was finally happening.

The couple spent the day in the TARDIS. Feelings were admitted (Jack was right, the Doctor was definitely taken by her) and a new relationship had been born.

That evening, after a wonderful snog session, the two were sitting on a couch in the media room enjoying a movie and some hot chocolate.

"So, what exactly brought about this need to confess?" The Doctor asked Clara.

"Well, to tell you the truth, I found out about River. I was mad at first, and ready to leave, but someone convinced me otherwise."

"The TARDIS? Oh, I knew you two would eventually get along!"

"No, it was Captain Jack."

He looked at her, shocked. "Captain Jack? As in Jack Harkness, from Torchwood?"

"The one and only."

"How the hell did he get onto my TARDIS?"

"Who knows, he's a little bit odd, isn't he?"

"More than a little." They smiled at each other, and Clara snuggled further into his shoulder, enjoying the rest of the movie, happy at last.


End file.
